I am doing better in some ways. I am trying to be more disciplined and less distracted. Spending less time on the things that are not important feels better, and spending more time on the things that are important to me is the discipline. Not everything that is important is something I want to do, but I know that it has to be done. Sometimes, just the act of doing it is enough. Choosing myself over being helpful to someone else is difficult for me, but it is one of the first steps I have taken in an attempt to obtain some of these mystic dreams that I have for myself. I still use a fair amount of time to help people because it still gives me a feeling closest to joy. Or being content. Nothing else matters if I cannot help other people.

When the world is in disarray, and you are not even sure if the life you are fighting for will exist in ten years time, how do you still fight for it? I have to; I need that end goal to focus on, maybe you do too. It doesn’t need to be a grand plan to conquer the world; it just needs to be something for you. Maybe you want to help other people too, but what do you need to do it? If you have “this,” will it allow you to do “that?” These are the things you need to do for yourself.

If I am tired of this daily work, I hardly notice if I can work on myself in the other hours. An eight hour or longer shift is just something I have to do in between the things I want to do. And make no mistake, if you’ve been here with me for a while, you know work is my home. Hard work is where I remember who I can be. A little downtime can lead to a little darkness and a little darkness can lead to wasted time. It can, but it doesn’t have to. I still like my darkness, I still miss it when it is gone for too long. I still need it to finish writing my story.

I miss it now. I feel like anything I write has less soul and purpose without it. It almost feels empty, though I hope you do not feel that way about it. For you, I hope there is still something in it that helps. I have always intended to be here on a more regular basis, but I have discovered that if I wait for what feels like the right moment, they are too far apart. I heard somewhere that “if you wait for the perfect conditions to start, you never will. Starting is the perfect condition.” I’ll let you know how that works out for me, and you should try it. You might be one decision away from everything you ever wanted. It is certainly worth finding out. Even if it is two decisions away.