I do not know how I allowed it to happen, but November passed right by and I hardly noticed. I told myself nearly every day to write something, anything, so I could feel as though I had accomplished even the smallest of tasks that remind me of the life I intend to live. And the days I did not do it, I said I would do it the following day, and that carried on to today, when I felt I had enough of a lull to sit still and to try to think.

And I can hardly think. I’ve said this before, but it nearly feels like a loss. Everything I used to be feels so distant, and I hate it. I am left wondering how I can even be the same person that I was then, because I felt that person would never have allowed me to get here again. What fascinates me is that all of the things that I miss are so difficult now, and they were so easy then, and some things, but not all, that were difficult then are much easier now. I have always felt that if it could all co-exist, I might finally understand how everyone else lives. I know, somewhere in my head and in my heart, that I would allow that scenario under one circumstance, and even that is a fantasy of mine. Yet everyday I believe it could still come true. I have to.

This is a lesson in time. I let November pass, and in doing so I let three and a half years pass. It might seem insignificant, especially since I do not post here regularly or on any particular schedule. But it was one more piece of me I let go. I can still get it back, I think. I’m here, even though it is December. I’ll consider that November of 2024 was something I will never get back, but so is every moment that passes by. Maybe I can take that as a lesson. The missing November, the silent November, the sun rises and sun sets that I saw without seeing. Dark December, cold and long, follows, but somehow it is a light for me. Maybe that is the lesson. The light is where we make it.