I received my greatest compliment recently. In a betrayal of trust, someone close to me discovered my sadness, and the extent of it. When revealing this to me, they simply said “You are really good at hiding it.” I will forever be grateful for being told that. That has always been my goal, always been my intention, to ensure that it never reaches anyone else. It hadn’t until that day, and I struggled with blocking that person out of my life completely. I haven’t yet. Everything tells me to, and the darkness inside says it doesn’t matter how much it will hurt them because it is what’s best for me, but on the first day we spent any real time together I warned them.

“I don’t like to hurt people,” I said. “But they always get hurt. And they will always leave.”

And this sounds like a refusal of admittance, a refusal to change. Maybe it is in some ways, but I like who I am and I like the darkness I live in and it has held me back in some ways but pushed me forward in others. So I’m not afraid, but a little concerned. Every minute I spend denying who I really am, I feel like I am losing my voice. Maybe you can tell?

There’s a storm coming, as there often is in this part of the world. Dark clouds and strong winds. I’ll be going out in it soon, one way or another. I just hope they see it reflect in my eyes and make the choice for themselves. Because if happiness came to me in the dark, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. And if that worries you, then know that I wrote those words with a smile on my face. I like being here, in this place.