This morning, as we stood in the midnight air, we noticed a ring around the moon. “A moon ring,” my companion said. I was informed it happens when crystals in the sky catch light reflected from the moon. Light that has already been reflected from the sun. Recycled light, in a way. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before, and I have seen a lot of things. There is always something new to see.

We only walked away from the light in the sky because our nights were not over yet. We still had work to do. It seems the sun wasn’t done for the day either.

Eleven hours later, still this morning, I was contemplating the thoughts in my head. I have been thinking a lot about happiness recently. A very close friend of mine had asked straight out, “are you happy?” I have never been able to say yes. And people will ask, but you’ve never experienced happiness? Not even once in your life? I do not ever recall a moment when I could truthfully answer that with “yes.” I never had any good answer for it, never an explanation, until today.

Happy people experience depression from time to time; they know sadness and darkness in their lives. Maybe there are depressed people who experience happiness too. But I wouldn’t know. What I know is this: experiencing depression for a while is not the same as living it. Darkness is the foundation of my existence, and anything else is kept just far enough away to be slightly out of focus. Surrounded by a halo, as if it isn’t quite real. As if the very existence and memory of such things is only a dream. So have I known happiness? Maybe I’ve seen it before, even flirted with it. But it was blurry, just outside the focal point of my life, because even behind the laugh and smile, the darkness prevails.

I’ve tried to explain that to others before, but without living it, it might not be possible to understand. They think happiness is the goal, and maybe for them it is, but not for me. I’ll never look for happiness. I guess if it comes my way, I’ll have to figure out what to do with it, but I’ll never search it out. What they cannot understand, is that I am content in this life. Those things with the halo around them; I’m just fine with it that way, because when they fade away it hurts that much less.

And I will always choose less hurt over any chance of happiness. Always.

Maybe that isn’t right for you, but it is for me. I don’t need saving or fixing. I’m not in any danger. This is how I understand my life to be, and I’ll take it for everything that it is. One day, if happiness ever finds me, I’ll understand that everything has a halo around it because I’m seeing it through tears. Maybe I’ll even be able to wipe away the darkness. If that day ever comes, it will be a November day. Cold, windy, dark and gray. And it will be my day.

All of these days are mine.