“Through endurance we conquer”  – E. H. Shackleton 

 

I rediscovered fear recently, but not of anything I can see

It is of my future, and where my life will be.

I feel so alone at times, and I blame no one for this as I know I have done it to myself. It can be quite frightening however, as I can hardly imagine a future where I will be okay. I recall feeling like this several years ago, around 2013, and I have since considered that a very bad year for me. I was much better in ’15. Yet I find myself here again, in a bad place, and I wonder how did I get here again? How did all of the hard work and lessons I’ve learned come to this? Why do I feel so cold and distant and what will happen if I do not change?

Considering only the worst will leave you with only worst. I suppose it is here, in this place, that I must consider something better. Quite unlike my usual state, I must consider something better for myself alone. I live to help others, but it has cost me greatly. I’ve left myself to the harsh wind, and I have felt the burn of the sand and biting cold. It has scarred me, but I am fine with that. I have to be, because if I hold on to whatever I am feeling now I will never be free of it.

I am sorry if this is not useful to you. This feels more like a journal today than I intended. I’d like to think spring will bring something better, for me and for you.