I experienced something I never expected. It left me feeling cold and emotionless, not far from my usual state, but in a different way. I hardly felt it at all and yet I feel I should have. I feel as though it may find me later, maybe months or years down the road.

My significant other tried to take her own life in front of me.

I stopped it.

Maybe should she would have stopped on her own. Maybe, if she hadn’t met me it would not have happened in the first place. Maybe it would have. Maybe if I hadn’t tried to leave because I am exhausted from trying to convince someone they are worth something it would not have happened.

She’s getting help now, from more than just me. Now I wonder, was I helping at all? Does it really matter? I know it is not my fault. I have to consider this: if I did not feel that, will I feel anything?

And it isn’t her, or anything she struggles with. Its me. I want to be alone. I am good at it and I enjoy it. I am more productive.

I stayed. I shouldn’t have. I suppose I will waste away to nothing before I let someone not help themselves, because she has a chance at life, and I am not certain if I do.

It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.

Marilyn Monroe