I saw a long time friend of the family last week, who I had not seen in quite some time. We talked some, more than we had in the past and certainly more than we had in recent memory. But it was what they said to my brother, who then relayed the following to me: “I haven’t seen you this happy.” (In reference to me.) This left me wondering, where did I go wrong? That in itself is a strange sentiment, but it is my way of life. It’s not that I try to portray myself as unhappy, but I typically have very good control of my emotions, and happiness is never something I eluded to.

This is a strange moment in time for me. I hardly agree that this is happiness, but even if it is, this isn’t what I want. It does not feel like home, and it does not feel comfortable. Now I’ve never searched out comfort, but I usually relate discomfort with productivity, and I’ve not been particularly productive either.

I’m not sure that I’ve been here before, and I’m not sure where to go next. But I know this: Time is short. Any time spent considering, is time not spent doing. I’ve read that even the wrong action is better than no action. There is some truth to that I think, maybe not in every scenario, but certainly in some. So I wonder, where did our friend see any trace of happiness? What did I say or do, and why does it matter to me? I think it is simply a deviation from the life I imagined and that feels like a betrayal to myself. As if I am letting myself down, because I am accepting where I am for where I want to be. Eric Thomas once said “you must sacrifice what you are, for what you will become.” I am now wondering if I reached that crossroads in my life. In fact, I may have reached it a couple of years ago, but I was not ready for it. I am not sure I am ready now. Closer, still. It is nearing spring here, and being that winter is long and harsh, spring changes everything. Summer changes even more. Closer, still.