I have found that while life is a series of decisions, it will move forward regardless of whether I make a choice or not. So I can stall and deflect, procrastinate and draw out these decisions, which I often do, or just make a choice. It is not fear of regret that stops me, but knowing full well what the outcome will be and knowing that it is a result that will affect me negatively, at least in the near future. In the long term, I will know it was the right choice. I know it is now. I know that I have control of it, but I still hesitate because I do not want to deal with the results.

I wish there was a meter or a guide that told me how much time I’ve lost. That is a figure I might actually be afraid of. Time we never get back. I suppose I am trying to be less technical about it all, and just let life take its course, but when I do that, when anyone does that, we become stand-bys, audience members to our own existence. That is not fair to us nor to the people who rely on us.

And someone is always reliant on us. Maybe it’s someone we do not even know, someone we will help one day. If we do not move forward, and take control, we risk a lot more than just the outcome of that one choice. We risk a life not lived. Moments not had, people not met. That is frightening to me.

I have a book that I have been writing for the last thirteen years. I can tell when I am not in the right place because I stop writing it almost completely. That is my control. That is what tells me the experiment isn’t working, that I’ve stopped living the way I want to. If the story is unchanging, then so is my life. While everything else moves forward, I sit still. And that is no way to live.