November once again, and as always it brings a certain darkness with it. This year is a little different, as the darkness was with me long before the month began. I have struggled with many things, but what I find most difficult is that I cannot seem to write the way I want to, or as much, or as often. I hesitate to listen to the music I usually do because it takes me to a place I’m not sure I should go to right now and I do not know when I’ll be able to go there again.

The worst part is…I know I shouldn’t be in this place. I shouldn’t have let myself get here. I saw it happening and knew it was coming but I held on to whatever it was that was keeping me above water in that moment. Now, I’m trying to pull myself out of the soft, wet sand at the bottom of the ocean.

But here’s the thing: I’ve been here before and I got myself out. I might even need some help this time, but I know I can get myself out. It doesn’t feel that way right now, and in fact I don’t even want to. I’d dive right into the pain and heartache all over again because that was where I could breathe. And that is the saddest part of it all.

So I guess I’ll have to learn to breathe again. I’ll have to fight and tell myself I’m worth something just the way that I am even if I don’t believe it. This is what I do, what I’ve always done. I fight to exist. It shouldn’t be this hard, this pain shouldn’t exist for anyone, but I know it’s so much harder for so many people, and when I meet those people I ask them for their pain. Give me your struggle and I’ll give you my strength, because I can take it. Leave it with me so you can be free. With your pain, maybe I can forget my own.

And when you run, which you will, I’ll run this course again. When it is all said and done, we’ll both be free.